Telling It Like It Is

Why is it so hard for people to let their (good) feelings out in the open--to tell them or show them? I include myself in this group of "people" when I ask this question. I can say from experience, depending on what it is, I have been afraid of being hurt or rejected or ostracized or seen as weak or stupid. Or, I just assume people know how I feel about them by how I act-- how often I call, text, or email; the fact that I invite them places, showing them I like to hang out with them, whether I seek them out for advice or to share a joke or good story with them.

When I was in high school and I liked a guy (ok, I admit it, I still sometimes do it; hey! Some bad habits are hard to break!), I never let on that I liked him. In fact, I would do, well, not quite the opposite; I wouldn't pretend that I DIDN'T like him, instead, I would just act indifferent. Seeming like my feelings were on display for all to see and ridicule was/is just so unappealing. Still today, I hate being "set up" to meet someone, because I don't like the feeling that others in the know will be watching. Yeah -- that dame is batso (as my Uncle would say).

Perhaps it is because of the way I was raised. My family is not super undemonstrative - we kiss and hug hello and goodbye - but perhaps this example explains it best: Recently, I brought my kitten, Lucy, home to my parents' house, and I picked her up and kissed her, but she tried to get away, as kittens are wont to do. My mom said not to pick her up too much, that I would spoil her. I'm going to pick her up as much as I want, I told my mom, and she'll learn to like it. Does that explain it?

I recently left a job where I have many good friends -- I'm gonna miss you one friend texted me. It was so natural and sincere, I was almost taken aback. I decided to take her lead and told others I would miss them, even the married men, the single men and women -- see I worry too much about what people think -- will his wife think it's inappropriate? Will the single guy take it the wrong way? Will the women think I'm gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). But this is how my mind works -- how will other people perceive it?? Ridiculous, I know.

When, what I really first feel is the pure, unadulterated emotion: I will miss you. No hidden messages, no subtext, no strings. But then--the damn thinking gets in the way. I so want to just say what I think and feel, regardless of the stupid social mores that get in the way.

I wish life were more about pure feelings than worrying about what people think. I've often (accused myself of being/) been impolitic. If I don't like someone, why pretend? Well, usually, it's because I have to work with them, or live next to them, or whatever. It seems fake to act otherwise.

But I have learned, in my old age, that there is something to be said for treating people as you'd like to be treated (yes Catholicism made its mark) and that things are not always what they seem, people are not always at their best. I will always remember an anecdote from Dennis Lehane's commencement address to Eckerd College I once read:

I remember driving with my father once and someone cut us off and I got all hot and asked why he wasn't beeping his horn or flipping the guy off and my father said, "You don't know what type of day he's had." And I looked into the other car, and I suddenly didn't see a jerk who'd cut us off in traffic, I saw a weary-looking guy with a weary- looking wife and two cranky kids in a battered old car and I felt, "There but for the grace of God go I." That's empathy.

When I think about that example, I think there are two different ways to be in the world: one is active and one is reactive. And both require genuine feeling and empathy. So to all of those I love (and you know who you are, I hope): I love you and (will) miss you. And to all the rest: I hope you are having a good day, and if not, I hope it gets better.