Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;
Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears.
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.
-- Romeo and Juliet 1.1.190-194
I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes some couples work and others not. I realized that in my own relationships I was not able to tolerate doubt. There are so many types of couples -- those who get together in high school, in college, or those who get together afterwards, in their late twenties, and many more.
Is it serendipity that keeps certain couples together? Timing? Tolerance? Patience? Fate? Can't find a better man/woman? Fear?
Can you be in love with more than one person at the same time? Is it natural to have monogamy for life? Or to have a few loves in our lifetimes?
I've had love and it's been both the greatest and most painful experience. "'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all"? I'm not sure I believe Alfred Lord Tennyson on that one.
I was talking to a friend tonight about this, the state of some of the marriages we were aware of where the two people seemed just ... well, stuck in it. And she said, and I rightly agreed, that we would much rather be alone than be in such a relationship. Is that cynical? I do know of a few marriages (and I do mean a few--I can count them on one hand) that work. And it is work, even then.
What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Where is the love?
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2 comments:
I think people stay together for as many reasons as you can think of: love, habit, children, fear, loneliness, companionship, and so on. I don't think there's a model that can encompass all relationships. I do think our culture has an odd sort of attachment to the Ideas of Love, Family, Commitment. What is any of these, really? Do our models (e.g. marriage) work for us any more? From my own experience I know that I feel pain with the exact same part of my heart that feels love, so fear of pain will only keep me out of love. And what is commitment? How do you know when to stick something out, when to flee? How, how, how do we manage the balance between connection and autonomy? This is the central question of my relationship life.
I agree with Kate. I think couples stay together for all different reasons. And I will never understand why our society is so focused on the ideas of love, marriage and family when so many of them fail. I would absolutely much rather be alone than be stuck in a relationship with someone I didn't love. Yes, marriage is work even when it's working, but it seems like a lot MORE work to keep up some sort of charade.
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